Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The elephant in the room


Sorry for being MIA recently, although I am pretty sure the apology is more to me then anyone else who is possibly reading this.

For those of you who don’t know, I am a cancer survivor. If you are “lucky” enough to be in this club, then you know about the constant check ups and oh-shit-is-it-back? moments, along with the horrible fear when you go in for that scan/blood draw/whatever. And then the best part of all….the WAITING for the results. I am currently in that last stage, playing the waiting game and have been for a few days now and to be quite honest, I am losing at the game and not because of anything relating to cancer. You see, my old friend ED* has been by my side the entire time. We have reconnected like long lost friends and had coffee for old time’s sake. It’s been quite a dandy time. NOT!

If I am completely honest with myself and those around me, it has completely sucked. I have been in a horrible mood and have felt completely awful. My ability to focus has been nonexistent and I have spent a lot extra time working on things because of this. Everything feels like a chore and has seemed much harder than it should be. I have actually sat down like 10 times and tried to write a blog post, but when my brain isn’t working at 100% (or like 80%) the inspiration I have to write and put anything together just isn’t there. I have been short with people and have just lost all of my patience for even the little things, like the slow driver or the group walking hand in hand 5 people long down the side walk. I’ve found myself not only sweating the big stuff, but the little things as well and just not very fun to be around.

So what is the point of this post? If you are still reading now(which I don't blame you if you aren't), I am sure you are wondering. This post is 100% for me as a reminder. A reminder of how quickly things go badly when I give into the eating disorder, that being anxious/stressed/scared/pissed about cancer stuff is normal and probably isn’t going to ever change, that I have REAL friends and family that are by my side and care about me through rough times and that asking for a little extra help/support from those around me is much better than hurting myself. But more so, that this is just a little speed bump in this overall recovery process and fortunately speed bumps don’t last very long. They make shake you up a bit but the foundation is still there, and that is what matters.

For those of you who are banging your head on your desk thinking “why did she give into the stupid eating disorder again?” I am right there with you and have been wondering the same damn thing for the past few days now and am working on figuring out the answer myself.

By the way, although I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, I hope that everyone has a wonderful one. Remember that today isn’t only about loving someone else but love for youself as well and both of these things should be carried out every day! And a special shout out to my wonderful amazing boyfriend John! <3 *insert something romantic here*.

* the eating disorder in case you are unsure

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