Friday, February 3, 2012

The Serenity Prayer

I wasn't going to write anything substantial today, but while running this morning I thought of something that I wanted to talk about. In between the research work that I have been doing I was able to throw together a post. I didn't have as much time to look over it as I have had for the other few posts so there is a good chance that there are twice as many grammar/spelling mistakes. Just go with it and if you are a grammar/spelling Nazi have a field day!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

I hate this quotation. Not because it isn’t awesome or very good advice but because it’s so hard for me to do. I like fixing things and I like to believe that I can fix/change anything.

 Unfortunately I can’t and this is a really tough pill for me to swallow. I have the tendency to become way to over committed in a lot of things and even other peoples lives. I have a strong sense of social obligation and tend to take on tasks and problems that I really shouldn’t. A lot of the time I believe that it’s my job to fix something when it really isn’t any of my business. When other people do not step up for something I feel like it is my duty to do so. This eventually leads to me becoming exhausted, burnt out and even resentful. I also tend to step on peoples toes, overstep boundaries and can become a little bossy and controlling. Taking a step back is really hard for me to do. Admitting that I CAN”T change something and more so that is ISN’T my job to is like a knife to the heart.

Lately I have been working on a lot of things in my life. Recovering from an eating disorder is not only teaching me how to take care of myself and eat like a “normal” person, but is also showing me a different lens to view the world. I have become much more aware of my problems and the patterns that I fall into in my life. I am also continuously working on fixing those problems and trying to prevent them from occurring again.

Through all of this I am trying to rebuild relationships with friends and family along the way. In the past few months I have distanced myself from a lot of things. I have lost touch with a lot of close friends and some activities that I have always been apart of. I have broken commitments and at times I’ve become a bit of a flake.

This has all been very distressing to me because it’s the complete opposite of how I normally am. Yet recently I have realized that it was exactly what I needed. When I get caught up in doing everything for everyone else, whether or not I should be, I completely forget about myself. Instead of fixing the things that were going on in my life I was trying to solve everyone else’s problems and it wasn’t working.

As ridiculous as this may sound, a lot of days I have to remind myself that I am a 24 year old human and not God. Not only does the entire world not fall on my shoulders it’s selfish to think it does. Admitting that I can’t do everything has been a humbling experience. Some days I still fall into the same trap of trying to take on to much or fix something that isn’t mine to fix, yet I am learning. In this process I am also learning to trust other people and their capabilities. I am realizing that I am not the only person meant for a job and even more so, that some of the time there is a better more suited person for it. I am learning that I don’t need to be in charge or in a leadership role all of the time. It’s been fun watching other people step up and excel at things I normally do. It’s been nice to watch from the outside and watch how things unfold without stepping in. It’s strengthened my faith in other people and has taught me a lot about myself. 

I can’t fix/change/control everything and I am learning to be ok with that. I guess that is the wisdom part of the equation.

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