At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, 7 months ago I was miserable. I hit a low point in my life that I never imagined would happen. On the outside everything appeared great. I was doing well in school, had just finished a summer of work that I enjoyed, was vp of social and very active in my sorority, was preparing to graduate and had a lot of things on my side. On the outside things were pretty perfect, but it was just a facade.
I did not consider myself suicidal, but some nights I did go to bed hoping that I wouldn’t wake up. I loved my life and everyone in it, but I hated myself. My eating disorder was at its worst. I was depressed and anxious all of the time. I wasn’t sleeping or eating and I couldn’t even stand to look in the mirror. On the outside I was semi holding it all together, but on the inside I was falling apart.
I had lost faith in myself and was starting to lose faith in things around me. I didn’t care about anything really, well more so that I didn’t have the energy to care. Every night I went to bed defeated. Every day was exactly the same.
I had lost that spark; that joy and passion for everything, including living. I didn’t see the point in most things. Everything felt like a chore. I struggled to keep up with everything, and was constantly on the go. My constant busyness was my denial; my way of hiding to myself how bad things really were. My memories of that time are really blurry and even non-existent.
One night I got to a point where I couldn’t imagine feeling any worse. I couldn’t imagine living another day like all of the previous ones. In all honesty, I don’t think I could have handled another day like that.
I decided that something had to change. I wasn’t sure if I was up for the challenge and I definitely didn’t realize how hard recovery was going to be or how deep I was in, but something had to give. I wasn’t sure where to begin, but I knew if I didn’t this would be my end.
I opened up to friends, sought out professional help and entered treatment. I slowly came out of my denial hole and started to see the light. I was honest with those around me and I opened up about my struggles and let people in.
In the past 7 months I have learned more about myself then in the entire 24 years of my life. Recovery has been an uphill battle and has been the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down. I’ve spent countless nights wanting to give up and even giving in. I’ve cried, yelled, laughed and even thrown temper tantrums about how much this has sucked.
But you know what? All of that has been worth it. Every bite of food I have taken, every hour I have spent in my therapists office, every tear shed, every fear faced, every challenge won, every step I have taken in both directions has been worth it.
I have a long way to go, but I take pride in how far I’ve come. I see endless possibilities for my future and I am so excited. I’ve found my voice; my confidence. I am not only starting to see the positive qualities that other people see in me, but discovering new qualities that I love about myself. I love life or more so I love my life and I am glad that I am actively taking part in it. Living is much better then surviving and just getting by. The next step in my future is thriving!
I write this to inspire hope. Whether you are suffering from an eating disorder or other mental illness or something major or heartbreaking in your life that you just can’t imagine it ever changing or getting better, I am here to tell you that it does and it can.
I share this honesty with you, not because I want you to feel sorry for me or anything like that, but to show you how quickly things can change. If you are willing to put in the hard work, things can get better. It won’t happen instantly and you might not notice it right away, but it will over time.
Some days I have big epiphanies where I see how far I’ve come but most days it’s the little things. I smile a lot more and laugh often. I no longer hide my struggles or am ashamed of them. This blog is living proof of that. I look forward to each day and every thing it has to bring. I am no longer just dreaming of the freedom of being happy and living without an eating disorder, but I am starting to see it happen. This is my life, my story and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
A major shout out and thanks to everyone who has helped and continues to help and support me along this journey. And to everyone who takes the time to read this blog. I will take credit for all of the hard work, but I wouldn’t be where I am without the amazing people by my side. Thanks.