Monday, April 30, 2012

A taste of freedom

This kind of goes with my last post from earlier and kind of doesn’t. Today I had some extra free time and the desire to write, so this is what you get. 

When a friend talks about skipping a meal, I no longer get jealous or want to do the same. When I hear people complaining about how they need to lose weight for bikini season, I don’t feel obligated to join in. When my roommate goes for a run at 10pm, I don’t envy her or wish that it was me. When I see a person who is underweight or skinny, I don’t feel the need to compare our bodies or wish to be like them. When I hear a person behind me in the grocery store discussing how “bad” she is being for buying X, I want to give her a hug and explain to her that it’s just food and she has nothing to feel bad about. When I come across nutritional information, I have no desire to read it. When I eat a little more than intended or things that used to be forbidden, I don’t feel the need to compensate. When I walk in/leave Publix, I have no desire to step on the scale. When I slip and have a hard day, asking for help doesn’t seem like a foreign concept. When I make a mistake, I don’t feel the need to punish myself or make myself feel worse. When invited out to dinner, I don’t feel the need to make excuses or avoid going. When asked to do something that was unplanned, I don’t immediately turn it down. When John says it’s time to stop playing softball, I don’t feel the need to continue or feel guilty for quitting. When I sleep in later than normal or take an extra nap, I don’t feel lazy or judge myself. When I am sick or don’t feel well, I don’t have a problem with taking a break or some time off. When I am faced with diet talk and body bashing/shaming, I don’t feel the need to defend myself or my recovery, but instead change the subject. When people make comments about my eating, size or body, I don’t feel the need to listen or internalize any of it. When people don’t agree with my stance or opinion, I don’t feel that I need to change or justify it. When people don’t like what I have to say or write, I don’t feel the need to agonize about it or apologize for it. When someone does something that isn’t ok or treats me in a way that I don’t want to be treated, I don’t feel the need to put up with it nor spend a single minute believing that I deserve it. When someone tries to tell me how to live my life or give me unsolicited advice, I don’t feel bad sticking up for myself and even ignoring it. When looking in the mirror, I don’t always hate what I see. 

All of these things are minor miracles. These are the things that show me how far I have come and the person that I am becoming. These are the things that I measure my progress by. These are the things that give me hope and make me feel normal. These are the things that I couldn’t and wouldn’t have said 9 months ago or even 2 months ago at that. These are the things that I will remind myself of when I am having an off day or a rough time. These are the things that are important and give me peace of mind. These are the things that I am proud to share. These are my triumphs in recovery. These are my accomplishments and they are pretty freaking awesome if you ask me. 

After writing this post, part of me feels like I need a huge disclaimer. Like this post makes me seem a lot further in recovery then I actually am, especially given last week’s slips. But I truly believe everything that I wrote above, including believing in myself and my recovery and also that this isn’t black and white. It isn’t all or nothing. There are more options then deep in the eating disorder and the “perfect” recovery. There is an in between and this is what it looks like for me. 

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