Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Reality


To say that I have been struggling would be the biggest understatement of the year. I won’t go into details but this past week has been one of the hardest of my life. Yesterday afternoon, I found myself attending a Catholic mass. I wasn’t quite sure what inspired me to go there, as I haven’t been to church in quite some time other then occasional holidays, but there I was. I felt desperate and hopeless and was looking for anything to make me feel better. 

I prayed, cried and then prayed and cried some more. I begged God to help me and show me what the next step was. I left disappointed. I didn’t feel any better. In fact I actually felt worse. I gave up on myself yesterday. For quite some time I felt completely alone and was ready to let this eating disorder win. In some ways I did. 

The evening got way worse before it even began to get a little better. But God was listening. I was not alone. Although I couldn’t see it, He was there by my side. He blessed me with the ability to reach out when I needed to the most and with the most caring, patient, understanding guy to respond. 

Today wasn’t much easier. I would be lying if I said things got a lot better or even a little better because that really isn’t the case. My faith has still been shaken. I am still struggling. But one thing has changed. I know that I am not alone and even more so that I don’t have to face this on my own. I mustered up about all of the courage that I had today to attend my nutrition appointment, even though it felt like one of the most difficult things that I have had to do recently. It is there that I re-gained some hope. I was listened to in the most caring and non-judgmental way and shown the compassion that I have been denying myself.

Today a very good friend sent me a blog post that she had written, with a song in it. I don’t believe in coincidences and this song has been on repeat ever since. 

I don’t really have much figured out. I don’t even see the next step on this recovery staircase. And right now I am not even convinced that I can do this. But I am trying to surrender. I am trying to trust God. I am trying very hard to let go of the shame and disappointment that I feel in myself for struggling and getting to the point that I have recently. I am trying to stop being a hero and pretending that I have everything figured out all of the time. I am trying to let go and let other people in. I am trying to be real and right now my reality is pretty fucking sucky. 

This isn’t my usual inspiring post that talks about the wonderful insights that I have had in my recovery. In fact I am pretty sure this post isn’t uplifting at all. But I feel that it is just as important to share.  With that, I will leave you with a quote that I came across recently “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Ps- If anyone has any spare prayers or good vibes, I could definitely use some sent in this direction. Oh and don’t worry, I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon. I am just going to have to accept that this is probably one of those times that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. 

Here is a video and the lyrics of the song that I mentioned above:

"Someday"- JJ Heller

One day you'll feel the sun
Warming your callused skin
The ropes will come undone
No more wars left to win

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don't know when
Oooo you will live in peace.

Your battered heart will soar
Your wounds turned into wings
No one will keep the score
You wouldn't care anyway

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don't know when
Oooo you will live in peace.

May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
My friend

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don't know when
Oooo you will live

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don't know when
Oooo you will live in peace 

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