When I first started blogging I didn't really know what to expect. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I didn't think anyone would read or care what I had to say. I was avidly reading many blogs and using them for inspiration. I loved the authenticity of people putting their lives out in the open for others to read and learn from. And I wanted to do the same.
Before I started blogging, I kept most of my life hidden, at least all of the bad parts. Few people knew about my eating disorder or the extent of it. Most had no idea that I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. Other then those close to me, people believed the facade that I wore like a badge, that I had everything together.
When I first sought out treatment for my eating disorder and other issues, I was in a deeper denial that I ever thought was possible. I was living a double life. On the outside everything seemed wonderful, I lived a life that seemed perfect and that others envied. But on the inside I was miserable, depressed, raging and being consumed by my eating disorder and self-hatred. I was killing myself slowly.
It was important for me to end the silence. To show the not so good parts of my life. To learn that it was ok to struggle, fail and more importantly talk about it. I needed to see that those around me wouldn't abandon me when the going got tough. (at least those that mattered) I needed reassurance that all of my fears were BS. And with this blog I found that.
When I first started blogging, people started coming out of the wood work, sending me the most uplifting, courageous and inspiring messages. Reminding me that I wasn't alone and that everyone had their issues. Calling me an inspiration and cheering me on, during my recovery journey.
When I first started writing I didn't think I would keep up with it, in fact I thought it would be like most things that I did for a little and then started to hate. But this didn't happen. In fact the opposite occurred. I looked forward to every blog post I wrote and to pouring my heart and soul on paper. I loved the freedom of just open endlessly discussing the things that I worked through in therapy and things that I faced daily. I loved that I had the space to write whatever I wanted to write about and I loved the feedback.
The more I started writing, the more enriched I became. I felt like I owed it to all of my readers to blog often and to be as honest as possible. It held me accountable in so many ways. And really helped with my recovery at many points. However, at times it was a burden. I felt ashamed when I had slipped and was struggling and had to admit it out in the open. (because I promised myself that I would share both sides of recovery on this blog) Some of the time this kept me from seeking out help earlier. It kept me stuck in the cycle of shame and even caused me to lie.
I have lived my entire life seeking the approval of others. Caring way too much about what other people think and becoming the biggest people pleaser ever. I have also spent tons of time and energy in order to do all that I can to help those around me. Although this is my blog and was originally written for me, it just re-enforced my genuine desire to want to reach out and help others and put myself and my needs second. Every time I wrote a post, I prayed and hoped that I would be able to impact at least one person who was reading it. Help them in some way.
Although this isn't a bad thing, it turned into another way for me to seek others approval. I wanted to be the "recovery guru", the one that had it all together and persevered all of the time. And this was not realistic. Although sharing my story was helpful at the time, right now I need some distance.
I have gone back and forth about this a lot recently, but I think it is in my best interest to stop blogging for a little while, at least publicly. I need a break. After this current relapse, I have learned a lot of new things about myself and right now I need my privacy. I need the space to be open, honest and work through my issues without feeling the need to share them with others online. I have an amazing support team, family and friends and will use all of them in real life. I will also continue to write, as I find that it is an amazing outlet for me.
I have spent years struggling with taking care of myself. Always putting the needs of others before my own. Never allowing myself to truly put myself first. My decision to temporary stop my blog is me putting myself first. I have realized that right now I need all of the energy, time and space I have to focus on getting better. To get my life turned around and release myself from the horrible grips that my ED has on me. This is no easy task. In fact this is some of the hardest work I have ever done and probably will ever do. Recently my life has been turned upside down more times that I can count, but I am starting to realize that it was necessary. It was what I needed to really get serious about recovery and really be honest with myself.
I plan on keeping my blog up and running for those who want to read past posts, as well as a way to still stay connected with others in the blogging community. I also don't believe that this will be the end of my blogging forever. I love writing and do plan to write a book one day. Besides, you can't get rid of me that easily.
Thank you so much for everyone who was read my blog, whether it's those who have stopped by once or my followers. It truly means a lot to me that so many people come back time and time again to hear me ramble. Also, thanks for all of the encouraging comments, emails and messages pertaining to posts that I have written. As well as all of the support. Even though I will no longer be posting, I hope to stay in contact with all of you in real time. Feel free to shoot me an email or a message whenever.