Tuesday, July 17, 2012
"I just want life to get better...I want to work through the past and be able to move on with my life. I want to live in peace and happiness and not be haunted by everything that I have been through. I don't want to ever lose myself again and become numb to the person that I truly am. And I don't want to allow those who hurt me to continue to win. Each day I get stronger and although it's hard and some days I take a few steps back..I want to recover from this ED and live a full life. I want to be proof that no matter how bad things get or how much damage is done, that things can get better. I want to get revenge by living the life that I am meant to live. Not in a payback kind of way, but to show that I am much stronger than I seem and refuse to allow the cycle of destruction to continue. I can't change the past but I will not let it continue to repeat itself.
I've spent most of my life reaching out to others, helping and even protecting people and taking care of them and helping them fight for causes and their lives. And for once I want to do the same for myself. I want to fight for myself; use my voice for me. I want to dispel all of the horrible beliefs that were fed to me during childhood and throughout my life and all of the nonsense that has been on repeat in my head for years and kept me trapped. Although I have made some mistakes and done things that I am not proud of, I don't deserve to be treated like this. And just because it's familiar doesn't mean that I need to continue to do it to myself. For the past few days every time the negative voice in my head turns on, I stop and take a few deeps breaths and remind myself that it is going to be OK. I can do this. That I don't need to be scared anymore. I don't need to dissociate. And even more so that I don't deserve the lies that it's telling me. They aren't what I truly believe or who I am. And I don't need to waste another minute giving them space in my life.
Some times it doesn't happen as quickly as I would like but I am catching it more often and am able to replace it with either kindness towards myself or anger towards the culprit (the ed, the person who convinced me it was true in the first place etc.) Self-hatred is learned and I am working on un-learning it every day.
It's been years since I could sit in silence with myself and actually feel ok (without needing a distraction or all of the negative self talk), but it's happening more and more now and is worth all of the hard work. The last few weeks have been some of the most difficult weeks of my life but it's felt amazing to be connected to myself and my heart. Even though I have a ton of external things going on in my life, to be able to sit with myself and feel at peace no matter what happens around me is wonderful and more than enough reason to keep pushing forward. "