Thursday, July 12, 2012
The last two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life but by far the most freeing. I have been forced to face a lot of things head on. The combination of brutal honesty from those closest to me and allowing myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable has brought on a lot of powerful realizations. I have been forced out of my self deceptive bubble and it's been scary. I have had to come to terms with a lot of my fears and have been forced to confront some of my deepest, darkest secrets. I have felt emotions very strongly and have pretty much either been intensely angry or a crying mess. I have also felt love more deeply and pure unfiltered excitement.
Although I have had to face the pain that I have spent years hiding and the time that I have lost being anyone but myself, as well as the destruction the eating disorder has caused, for the first time in years I am starting to feel at home in my own body. I am no longer dissociating and abandoning myself at every opportunity I get. It's not perfect, but I am working on it.
I have spent the last 10+ years hiding behind overachieving and productivity, as well as claiming that being successful is what I truly value, but it isn't. Striving for perfection in everything I have ever done as well as constantly pretending that I just wanted to be the best was a facade. Although those that are really close to me haven't been fooled, I managed to fool myself. It was easier to hid behind those things, then face the fact that I just wanted to be loved and cared for; that more than anything I wanted to build strong relationships and connect with others. The idea of asking for help and admitting that I longed for love and acceptance, as well as that I have needs and problems, was too much for me to handle. So instead I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone or anything, while simultaneously manipulating others in order to feel OK and get my needs met. If I was busy doing everything for everyone else and giving until I couldn't give anymore, maybe people wouldn't see my pain and flaws.
I have done many things that I am not proud of, including ruining relationships while completely blaming the other person for "abandoning" me. I have lied and hurt others as well as grown dependent on others, especially emotionally. I have been sucked into many codependent, abusive relationships and have allowed others to walk all over me many times. I have been hurt over and over again. I have given everything that I have and then some, while secretly hoping that others will do the same in return. I have apologized for others behavior, taken responsibility for things that were not my fault and completely disconnected from everything I believe in, in order to make myself needed. I have forced my body to suffer the consequences of my pain repeatedly and others to take care of me.
I refuse to spend another day being anyone but myself.Although I am still learning who that is, there are a few things that I am sure of. I am emotional, sensitive, sentimental and someone who feels things strongly. I have a big heart and will never apologize for that ever again. I care about people and see the potential in everyone. I long to help others and share my service with the world. I love and laugh deeply, as well as get excited about the smallest things. There is nothing that makes me happier then children, especially babies and I can't wait until the day that John and I start a family together. I wouldn't trade the people in my life for anything in the world, including success or money.I am still learning that it's ok to take care of myself and have needs, as well as trying to learn how to create boundaries and stop worrying so much about what others think. I have a lot of work to do, including learning to let go of resentment, anger and pride As well as repair the damage that the eating disorder and denial have done. I don't feel this level of peace and self acceptance every day and I know I still have a long way to go. But no matter how difficult things get, how painful it may seem and how vulnerable I feel, I won't back down. The freedom of being able to look in the mirror and feel at peace with myself, even if it's temporary, is worth every single moment of struggle.