Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Stuckness

"Actually, getting stuck is the prerequisite to getting unstuck.

Getting stuck is a great moment, a summons, a call from within, the glorious music of disaffection and dissatisfaction with our place in life. We get stuck when we want to change but can't, when we want to stop destructive behavior but don't, when the tug-o-war between God's will and ours stands still and we can't move. We're stuck going nowhere, unable to get beyond a particular point.

Getting stuck can be the best thing that could happen to us, because it forces us to stop. It halts the momentum of our lives. We have no choice but to notice what is around us, and we end up searching for Jesus. When we're stuck, we're much more likely to pay attention to our hunger for God and the longings and yearnings we have stifled. Sometimes being stuck is the low point and we say "Okay, I give up." We cannot grow without first giving up and letting go. Getting stuck forces us to see the futility of our situation and to put life in perspective so that we can move on."

~Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli

It's been about 7 weeks of hell and that is putting it mildly. I hit a low that I didn't think was possible and then I continued to fall deeper and deeper. I gave up over and over again. I was angry, resentful, depressed, lost, confused, desperate and mostly hopeless. My eating disorder along with severe depression, anxiety, shame and self-hatred consumed me. I couldn't see anything else. I was stuck. There were actually many times that I didn't think I was going to make it out alive. But here I am.

I have a long way to go but I am finally starting to see the light. I have found some solid ground. The walls of the hole stopped caving in around me and someone lowered a ladder. A few brave souls even climbed down in order to comfort me and provide support and encouragement for the climb. I am slowly gaining strength, stamina and confidence. I can't see the top but I believe know that it exists. Some days I take a few steps forward and others a few back, but I keep moving. Each day I find a reason to hang on, some days more than one. It's an uphill battle but I am starting to see my progress. It's hard, but most of the time I believe it's worth it. I am learning and growing in the process as well as beginning to open up,let go and forgive myself. I am no where near the point where I am grateful for the struggle but I am starting to see it as the necessary path to freedom.

I am a big believer in the power of music, especially lyrics. And these are two songs that have inspired and given me a lot of perspective in the last week. Enjoy!

"There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now its clear

There's only grace. There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me its enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace"
~Only Grace, Matthew West 


"Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining"
~What faith can do, Kutless

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