Friday, August 10, 2012

Go big or Go home

Fear. Hard. Courage. Hope. Challenge. Bravery. Anger. Pain. Sadness. Faith. Anxiety. Progress.Triumph. Relieved. Freedom.

These words all describe this picture above. Although it may be hard to tell, this is a picture of my lunch, a to-go bowl from Panda Express. This picture marks more than a delicious nutritious meal, this is a major milestone in my recovery. Before today it had been over a year since I had eaten anything other than a sandwich or less for lunch. Before today this wasn't ok. It wasn't a "'lunch food" and wasn't an option.

Nothing about this meal was easy. It took two unsuccessful traumatic trips to the grocery store, followed by getting in and out of line 4 times at panda express and a lot of anxiety and fear. As I ordered I was shaking, so much so that my voice was trembling and the lady taking my order had to ask me to repeat myself a few times. Even after buying it, I wasn't convinced it was going to actually happen.

But it did.

And nothing happened. My world didn't fall apart. I didn't fall apart. Nothing changed. Except it did.

I was ok. Actually I was more than ok. I felt relieved, confident, proud even. Three feelings that I am really not used to feeling, especially in relation to myself and recovery. I felt strong and this feeling stayed with me for the rest of the day. As did the smile across my face.

To those who have never suffered from an eating disorder this may seem silly. It may seem like I am making something out of nothing. But for me, this is huge. It's not about the food or even the meal, but about overcoming something very challenging that I didn't think was possible, at least not anytime soon.

For me, this picture, this meal and even today symbolizes a huge leap in the right direction. It brings me one step closer to freedom and living the life that I am meant to lead.

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