Yesterday I ate lunch at the mall food court in between my therapy appointment and work. I sat near an area that is designed for kids; there are big tables for adults near small tables for children. As I ate lunch I couldn't help but enjoy the company of a group of 3 small children sitting near by. As they sat enjoying their Chick Fila, I felt a sense of peace and calmness that I am not used to feeling, especially when food is involved. Their simplicity, innocence and joy was contagious, as was their ability to feed themselves. With ketchup and bbq sauce all over their hands, mouths and table, they happily sat and ate, untouched by external cues or rules. Besides the fact that I just love being around children, this was truly inspiring to me. For that moment everything felt ok.
Later at work I was surrounded by coworkers, board games and more pizza and bread sticks then you can ever imagine possible. I happened to be lucky enough to be apart of the team that won the summer challenge at work and was rewarded with a party. For two hours, we enjoyed laughter, food, games and just enjoying each others company. While I had a great time and was truly myself, I didn't allow myself to partake in any of the food and felt a sense of sadness. Although I love the work that I do, my coworkers are a big part of what makes work so enjoyable. The friendships that I have built since starting this job are irreplaceable and add to the joy of coming into work every day.
I know that recovery is a process and isn't linear; some days it's a few steps forward, others one or two back. Through each meal or uncomfortable situation I remind myself of why I continue to push forward. On some days this isn't as obvious to me and I use my support system to help remind me. In the moment when I am struggling greatly and feel super uncomfortable and just want relief right then, I easily forget the big picture. Below is my reminder; my list of why I want to recover. This list is obviously personal to me, although I would encourage anyone who is struggling with something to make their own.
Reasons for Recovery/Why I want to Recover
1. To some day be a mom- have a kid, be able to nurture, care for and show love to a child that is mine
2. To have a long, happy, healthy relationship with John- to grow old together and be able to live happily by each others side
3. To be able to give back to the world- wholeheartedly give time, energy and love to those in need
4. To be a role model- practice what I preach, truly live authentically to my morals and values
5. To share my story and passion with the world- connect with others completely
6. To be able to work with children in whatever capacity necessary at the time- fill my heart with their joy and innocence as well as provide them with whatever they need
7. To be healthy- physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally
8. To be fully present and experience life and everything that is has to offer- to be able to live in gratitude and truly enjoy the good and accept the bad
9. To be social- able to have fun and enjoy the company of others
10. To make peace with food and my body- to nourish myself completely and accept everything about my body, flaws and all
11. To be able to truly express myself and share my gifts and experience the world- through my writing, this blog and even communication