Following a new meal plan and eating more food each day has felt excruciating. With each bite I have felt extremely uncomfortable, like it isn't humanly possible to eat anything else. Only to then be reminded that a few hours later I am going to have to do it all over again. Being vulnerable with those around me; sharing my deepest struggles to John and in therapy as well as writing this blog is uncomfortable. Each time I hit "post" I am faced with uncomfortable feelings about putting my life on display. In both therapy and my nutrition appointments this week, I stepped out of my comfort zone and talked about some of my most recent fears and concerns, and during those times I wished I was Harry Potter and could instantly make myself disappear from the room. Yesterday at work I talked to my boss about changing my schedule and had to face the uncomfortableness of asking for what I needed and the possibility that she may be disappointed in me. I also went grocery shopping yesterday by myself and had a mini panic attack when I looked down in my cart and realized that I actually had a decent amount of food and even a few things that were more indulgent and things that I wanted.
Eating more, sharing more and asking for what I need brings up so many uncomfortable feelings for me and this week for the most part, I forced myself to sit through all of them. The shame, guilt, disappointment in myself, feelings of unworthiness, being too much, having needs and being seen as selfish. Instead of ignoring my needs and restricting my food and my life, I've felt the fear and done it anyways.
Being uncomfortable is painful and doesn't seem to be getting too much easier over time. However, it has had enormous benefits and these are why I continue to push through. Eating more and following my meal plan has allowed me to have energy. Even though it's only been a few days, I can feel and see the difference. The haze of starvation is beginning to lift and I am starting to feel better physically. Not to mention, I am a little more emotionally stable. Being honest and vulnerable with my treatment team has allowed them to help me more. Sharing all that I do and opening my life on my blog has not only taken away some of my shame, but given others the permission to do the same. It's allowed me to connect more deeply to others.To help others while being authentic and genuine. The messages that I have received from people who read my blog make the uncomfortable feelings worth it. Asking my boss to change my schedule felt empowering. Although difficult, it felt good to be able to look back and think "wow, I stood up for myself and none of my fears came true."
I have a very high pain tolerance. I have spent years starving myself; feeling so bad that I wished I could die right there but continuing to do it anyways. I have been in many difficult situations and have faced a lot of adversity in my 25 years of life. My ability to "suck it up" and carry on when things become difficult is no doubt why I am still alive. I am no stranger to uncomfortable. But this kind of uncomfortable is different. In my eyes this is way worse then starvation, cancer treatment and mental abuse. This kind of uncomfortable is raw, overwhelming and cuts deeply into every part of me. This kind of uncomfortable forces me to take a look at the things that I have been avoiding for years and the feelings that are at the core of so many of my issues. This kind of uncomfortable is truly awful but where the healing begins.
|Pets- the cure to feeling uncomfortable|