Although I have unlimited understanding, compassion and patience for others I struggle with those qualities when it comes to myself. I get frustrated in myself, especially my recovery when I have a hard day, when I find myself in a place I've been before or when it seems I am moving forward at snails pace. My perfectionism and high expectations for myself leave me defeated. I don't want to still struggle with anorexia and I am sick of hating myself as well as continuing to feel the pain from my past and allowing it to affect my future. No matter how insightful I may be or how much knowledge I gain about recovery, sometimes I feel completely spent and hopeless, like I will never reach the "other side". Although I respect that I didn't develop an eating disorder over night and that a lot of my wounds are still fresh, I long to let go and move on with my life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and today while reading I came across the passage below. It was exactly what I needed to give myself the space and kindness to accept where I am at today. In order to become who we wish to be, we have to accept and understand who we already are.
"Recovery is a healing and spiritual process. It's also a journey, not a destination. We travel from a path of self-neglect into self-responsibility, self-care and self-love. Like other journeys, it's one of moving forward, taking detours, backtracking, getting lost, finding the way again, and occasionally stopping to rest. Unlike other journeys, we can't travel it by forcing the next foot forward. It's a gentle journey, traveled by discipline, and by accepting and celebrating where we are in that journey today. Where we are today is where we're meant to be. It's where we need to be to get where we're going tomorrow. And that place we're going tomorrow will be better than any we've been before."
~Melody Beattie in the book "Beyond Codependency"