Saturday, September 29, 2012

Voice of Truth

This morning when I woke up I kept waiting to be overcome with dread. I was waiting for the omg-I-can't-believe-I-thought-it-was-a-good-idea-to-post-my-bathroom-binge-expirence-for-the-entire-world-to-read. I was waiting for the fear of judgement and the moment when I convinced myself that everyone thought I was truly crazy, awful, horrible, unlovable, a failure ( feel free to insert any other bad adjective here).  I was prepared to be overcome with shame and not want to face the world. But it didn't happen. I didn't regret it, feel that it was a horrible idea or even really think twice about what other people might have thought. I didn't care.

As I re-read my own post I had mixed emotions. Part of me saw someone who was in a lot of pain and I felt for that person. The other part of me was wowed; amazed by the courageousness of sharing such vulnerability and hope. Then a thought ran across my mind. I wasn't worried about other peoples judgement/hate/negative comments because I knew that they couldn't be any worse than the stuff that I tell myself every day. This thought caused me to stop for a second and I felt pain and sadness well up in my chest.

Fast forward to lunch. I sat at the table with a sandwich in front of me, completely full of rage. Inside my head the eating disorder was screaming at me for being hungry, needing to eat, actually wanting to follow my meal plan. With clenched fists and a lot of tension, I ate the sandwich, one bite at a time but the anger just kept building. Just an hour earlier I had stepped on a scale and saw a higher number than I had previously and this was just fueling the fire.All of the anger was directed internally and I just wanted to punish myself. At that moment I just wanted to do something self destructive.

But I didn't.

A very tiny part of me didn't want to hurt myself. A very small part of me wanted to give myself a hug. To remind myself that all of the things that I was currently being told were lies and it really was going to be ok. This voice was so quiet, yet so powerful and reassuring. It felt like the truth.

For the next few minutes John and I searched for any glass in the house that we didn't care about. (yay to the fact that we recycle) We drove out to an empty parking lot and one by one I threw glass objects at the ground.(don't worry, we picked it up) I wasn't angry at myself. With each thing that I threw I got angry at the eating disorder. I got pissed about all of the false beliefs that I have internalized over the years and all of the pain it has caused. I didn't blame myself. I wasn't ashamed or full of guilt. I wasn't even angry for all of the times I have given into the eating disorder. I was angry for all of the time I have spent believing that I am not good enough, unlovable, unworthy and a failure. That my weight makes me a horrible person. That I will never overcome this. I wasn't mad at me, I was mad for me.

This was one of the most cathartic and eye opening experiences of my life. It was me fighting for myself, instead of against myself. It was freeing and amazing. I came home feeling empowered; like that maybe there could be an end to my pain and suffering and I could finally unchain myself from the eating disorder and other self destructive stuff.

I am an empathetic, loving, compassionate person with a huge heart. I am good at listening and taking care of others and I pride myself on being giving and helpful. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I used these positive qualities for myself and it didn't feel wrong. For the longest time I have been trying to "hate myself healthy". I have believed that maybe if I just hate myself enough I will be able to overcome all of this, but instead have fallen deeper into depression, self hatred and anorexia. External factors are no longer holding me back, years of internalized beliefs and negativity are. The eating disorder is fueled by shame, secrets and self hatred. Continuously allowing this to all fester in my head is holding me back. Although it's hard to overcome something that has had years to build momentum, I now know another voice exists.A voice of truth. My voice. And I will not allow it to be silenced anymore.

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