Sunday, October 21, 2012

A letter to anorexia

Dear anorexia,

I am angry. I am sick of letting you run my life. I am sick of living in constant disappointment. Your promises are faulty. You continuously LIE. You NEVER make me feel better about myself. You constantly rob me of joy and peace. You ruin everything. When I listen to you I am miserable. Nothing is ever good enough. There is always another rule. Another food that will make me fat. With you every calorie is a war. You take away the fun of everything. I will never win. You make me hate myself and I am really sick of it. I miss the freedom of eating what I want and enjoying food, as well as cooking and baking. I am sick of picking the lowest calorie foods where ever I go. I am so fucking sick of reading nutrition labels like they are divine truth.

I HATE YOU and really wish that you would leave me alone. You have worn out your welcome. I can no longer live within your rules and boundaries. I REFUSE to. The price is way too high. You are WRONG and have stolen way too much of my life already. The number on the scale is never low enough for you. In your eyes, I am always too much; too needy, too selfish, too big, too fat, unlovable, a disappointment, a failure. The bar is always raised. Your goals are not attainable and I am so sick of trying to reach them. YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME, I AM SO MUCH MORE!

You have spent years twisting the truth, making me believe that the only way that anyone will like me is if I am perfect, thin and constantly ignoring my needs but this isn't true. I have a life; wonderful relationships, a amazing fiance who loves me unconditionally, family, friends, a great job and so much more. I have these things because of ME, because of recovery. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. When I listen to you, I completely disconnect from everything I believe in and value. My morals go out the window. You don't make me better, you make me bitter and ungrateful and no fun to be around. You promise that "moment of relief" but fail to mention the even bigger consequences. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Listening to you isn't worth it.

You think that you are clever because of the grip you have continuously held on me, but you better watch out. I am so much STRONGER than you think and it is not because of you. I WILL NOT go down with out a fight. YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME. Trust me when I say that you picked the wrong person to mess with. You will not win, I can promise you that.

I have a voice and it's LOUDER and more POWERFUL than you. You may not always hear it, but it's there and it's constantly getting STRONGER. I have support and more people on my side than you can handle. YOU HAVE NO ONE. I can read between the lines and I am on to you. You aren't welcome here anymore. My need for you is long gone. PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET THE HELL OUT.

Sincerely,

Your worst enemy, a very pissed off Daniella



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