Sunday, October 14, 2012

Real Life

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."
~Paul Coelho

I still struggle, every day actually. Some days are less than stellar and end with me curled up in a ball crying. Sometimes I freak out around food. I still see my treatment team weekly and mostly follow a meal plan in order to eat enough. Some days I feel like I can't handle the world or my emotions and the eating disorder behaviors look very appealing but I am starting to learn better ways to cope. My recovery is pretty far from perfect but I actually have a life now.

Today I cooked John meatloaf and a carrot cake from scratch for his birthday. There was a time where even using the microwave sent me into a panic attack. This morning we went out to breakfast and I enjoyed some very yummy blueberry granola buttermilk pancakes as opposed to my usual breakfast. Not only was it delicious and a lot of fun but it was my idea. In the past few weeks John and I have participated in two game nights with coworkers, both which included alcohol, food, games, a lot of laughter and staying up super late. We have gone bowling, to softball games and even walked around downtown and campus with the pets. I actually have the energy and desire to do these things. We go grocery shopping pretty frequently and have been trying out "new" restaurants. In the depths of anorexia I couldn't step foot in a grocery store and refused to eat anything new.

I was promoted at work. As of tomorrow I am now a full time employee with a better schedule, most weekends off, insurance and benefits, as well the opportunity to continue working for an amazing company. Each morning I look forward to going into work and I am beyond grateful for the friendships that I have made and the ability to work helping others. At the end of every day I smile. It's such a great feeling to be able to give back to a cause that has greatly impacted my life.

My relationship with John has grown stronger and I can't wait to marry him in a few months. Our relationship has been through more than most couples in their first year but we have become closer because of it. He is my rock. No mater what happens he sticks by my side. Lately our relationship revolves more around fun and enjoying each others company and less around my issues and the eating disorder. Exactly how it should be.

This stage of recovery isn't easy. My eating disorder behaviors have greatly diminished and I am left with the anxiety and underlying issues. Some days I am so overwhelmed that I feel like I can't function normally. I get stuck but I keep eating. In the moments of panic the thought of instant relief is tempting but I have far too much to lose. I don't miss anorexia, even the things that I saw as benefits. There was a point where I needed it to survive but that ship has sailed. Real life is hard and full of a lot of uncertainty but it's completely worth it. The worst day in recovery is better than the best day with anorexia.

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