Striving for perfection is exhausting. The reward is always out of reach. The bar is always set higher. Constantly trying to please others, giving away your worth is defeating. It's a moving target. You will never be happy. You will never be good enough. Trying to control everything, including others and their emotions will never work. You will never feel safe. You will never be in control. Constantly being at war with yourself is frightening. Self hatred and punishment will never lead to peace. Keeping your guard up high, always in survival mode is tiring. It lessens your chance of connection. It keeps you untouchable. It ruins your chance of truly enjoying love and affection. Constantly denying yourself what you need is painful. It doesn't make you better or stronger, it makes your resentful and selfish. Ignoring your emotions, feelings, likes and desires is heartbreaking. It takes away your beauty and what makes you human. It steals your gratitude and appreciation. Constantly beating your self up doesn't lead to making less mistakes or being better, it takes away your opportunity to learn and grow. Eating disorders are powerful and destructive and it takes an enormous amount of strength to hang on to one for so long but this path will never lead to freedom. Pride is lethal. Shame and secrets are debilitating. Pain is universal and suffering is inevitable. However compassion, empathy and forgiveness are all possible. No matter what the magnitude or how long you have been suffering, healing can happen.
I am a fighter. It is in my personally to never give up,to never surrender or show fear. But I have been living in fear for as long as I can remember. I have used my eating disorder as a shield. I have held my guard up high and allowed my past and my pain to ruin my life. On the outside it seems like I have it mostly together but on the inside my insecurities eat my alive. I judge and have constantly convinced myself that I am better than you because I can lose weight, go long periods of time with out eating and constantly put your needs before my own. I have put up walls to keep people out and have deceived myself to believing that I don't need anyone or anything. But none of these things are true. All of these things have lead me further from myself, joy, happiness, love and freedom.
Today I am done fighting, with myself and everyone around me. I am admitting defeat, waving my white flag. I am surrendering. For the longest time this felt wrong and like betrayal, but today is feels like relief.