When I don't know what else to do I write. Today I lost someone very important to me. Someone that touched my heart in a way that no one else ever has. Someone that showed me what unconditional love was. Someone that showed me that no matter how much pain I was in or how broken I felt, I was going to be ok. Someone who sat with me through some of the worst moments of my life. Who comforted me when I felt like I had absolutely no one else. Someone who judgement wasn't an option.
Given this and some other difficulties of the past few weeks, I kind of feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. Today I kind of feel myself on my knees saying "Lord, what else do you want from me?" It's not pity or even "why me", it's more of an emotional surrender. I feel spent, exhausted and like I have nothing left to give.
Please don't mistake this as giving up. This has nothing to do with my will to live or my ability to believe that things will get better. I am not depressed or in denial or in some kind of crisis mode. In fact, I know that I will get through this. I know these feelings are normal and temporary. And I know that I will be ok.
But that doesn't make it suck any less right now.
It's weird. I am not new to loss, pain or struggles but this feels different and I know that is has everything to do with my level of recovery. In the past, I numbed myself to many of the losses and difficult situations that I faced. When shit hit the fan, I checked out. The bottom line: I stopped eating. Given that I am a very sensitive person who goes all in with my heart, life in general can be really overwhelming, even without traumatic things. Throw in all of that kind of stuff and it can be unbearable.
Today I feel like my heart was ripped from my chest, yet I don't feel hopeless. Instead of feeling lost and confused, I feel at home. I don't wish to push these feelings away. Although it would be helpful if I could stop crying, I am not ashamed of the tears. Even though this feels awful, I don't want to numb myself to this or anything for that matter.
I truly believe that it is in difficult situations that we learn who we really are. I believe that no matter how much pain we feel, it is never wasted. I believe that I am living proof of God's grace and am thankful for everything that has been given to me.