Sunday, April 28, 2013

Free to be ME

I spent years trying to hide; my body, personality, opinions, ideas, enthusiasm, emotions, passion and joy. I longed to be small in every aspect of my life. I wanted to take up the least amount of space as possible. I wanted to be someone else, yet it never felt right. I could never pull it off. My body was never small enough. I was never good enough. It was awkward and fake. Nothing worked.


Everyday I am breaking out of that mold, letting go of the things that I am not and discovering the things that I am. My body isn't small. It's strong, resilient, athletic and muscular. It needs, wants and enjoys food just like everyone else out there. It demands love, respect and care no matter how much I say that it doesn't. I am loud and love to talk, sometimes about nothing at all. I am passionate about everything that I do and use my heart as guidance every day. I am clumsy and messy and I wouldn't have it any other way. You can usually tell what I have eaten in a day by looking at my shirt. I love people, laughing and smiling. And children. I can't wait to be a mother and have children of my own.

My relationship with God is personal. I am spiritual although I don't always go to church. I love deeply and care too much about everything and I love that about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face. I laugh at inappropriate times, smile often and cry pretty easily. I am sensitive. especially emotionally. I give 200% to everything I do. Humor and sarcasm are my friends.

I am bossy, nosy and don't like being told what to do. I love rules and guidelines yet believe in personal responsibility. I am a hippie at heart and have an idealistic view of the world. I believe in helping others above everything else and am passionate about at risk populations. I love to listen to people's stories. I am constantly amazed by the beauty of this world. It's hard for me to see people suffer.

I love sports, both watching and participating. Nature is my favorite place to be. I am optimistic and my enthusiasm is childish. I believe in everyone and am motivated everyday by the things that people constantly overcome.

I don't have much figured out. Despite horrible anxiety, I work really well under pressure. Nothing motivates me more than the last minute. I am horrible at multitasking, no matter how often I try. I get startled easily and am super jumpy. I love naps and relaxing and am so grateful that I am finally allowing myself to enjoy those things.

I dream big yet I keep most of my dreams to myself. Pride is my biggest nemesis. Striving for perfection has been my biggest downfall. Black and white thinking rules my life most of the time but I am slowly finding freedom in the gray. I am a recovering anorexic and believe that my eating disorder has been my saving grace. Without it I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

I am a natural caretaker and would love to be a nanny. My heart lies in non-profit work and I wish I could be a full time volunteer. Music inspires me and I love to sing loudly. I have an addiction to quotations and song lyrics. Country music has a special place in my heart.

I am quirky. I love the color blue. I am not girly and probably will never be. I don't like makeup and do not spend more than 2 minutes on my hair. I love jewelry with meaning and comfy clothes. I like colorful fun socks and have a serious t-shirt collection.

I love people yet I prefer one-on-one and small groups. I don't like being the center of attention. I am intimidated and easily back down from conflict. I don't like confrontation and I shut down when people yell. I become defensive easily and hold grudges. I can be resentful and this is something that I'm working on.

I hate losing. I don't mind failing. I fear the unknown. I am perfectly imperfect. I am direct proof of God's grace. I am a combination of my mothers strength, my fathers wisdom and my grandmothers generosity. I am so grateful for the journey that I am on and my willingness to step out of my comfort zone in order to live authentically.

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