In the last two months I have seen some scary places. I've been consumed by depression so dark that it almost took my life. I've been overwhelmed by anxiety so strong that I've feared everything. I've been so enriched in my eating disorder that I willingly lost some of the things that mean the most to me.
This isn't new territory. This isn't the first time that I have seen this horrid place. And it breaks my heart to say that.
I've been angry, sad, hopeless and lost. I've screamed, pleaded, cried out, begged God to help me and then impatiently waited for his response, only to end up furthering my self destruction. Why doesn't He hear me? Why won't someone help me? Haven't I been through enough? I've echoed these questions over in over more times that I can count, always waiting for this sign that He hears me. Wanting some kind of confirmation that I am not in this alone and can get better.
I've constantly been disappointed. I've seen brief moments of clarity and freedom but they've been fleeting and the bottom has caved in again, just when I begin to see some solid ground.
Yet I've always gone back, seeking guidance from God and praying that His grace will finally reach me.
I believe that it finally has and it's nothing like I expected.
I've wanted God and others to do this for me, to take away my pain on my terms. Listen when it's easy and do my own thing when it gets difficult. Pick and choose what to follow. As soon as I've heard things that I don't want to hear from both God and others, I've run as far away in the other direction as possible and then blamed everyone for deserting me in my greatest time of need.
I've made excuse after excuse, frustrating those around me and leaving them helpless in my path. Only to fall further and continue the destruction.
I've wanted this to be easy. I've longed for clarity and peace with every fiber of my being. But I haven't put up my end of the deal. I've always had one foot in the door and the other clinging to the known and familiar, a life consumed by self-hatred, shame and anorexia. I've tried, halfheartedly yet never completely surrender control.
Today I surrender. I let down the wall and begin to let God and others in. Not so they can do this for me but so they can guide me as I do this for myself. Today I feel God's strength and courage and an outpouring of love and support from Him and those around me. Today I realize that no one ever gave up on me, but held on for me when I gave up on myself. Today I willingly take that back. I know that I am worth it, that the potential and hope I see in others is also in me. The kindness and compassion that I freely give away can be used to lift me up. Today I finally hear what God has been telling me and I am thankful that I have been given ears to listen and a heart to truly take it in.