Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Truly Living

During my 11 years of struggling with an eating disorder, I constantly saw glimpses of freedom. After following months of severely restricting, overexercising and purging, a light bulb would click on and I would temporarily try something different. After being hospitalized or losing people and things that I loved I would enter recovery and try my hardest to get back to being healthy and normal. My head was still full of self hatred and rules but I usually gained the weight back and from the outside appeared to be doing a lot better. Most of my college years were spent this way. I was a mostly functioning human being and was able to survive, yet I wasn't truly living. I was completely disconnected from myself, my body and my needs. The volume of my inner critic was to the max and I hated everything about myself. My head was constantly spinning with should's, shouldn'ts, nutritional information and weights. My number one goal in life was to please others and I didn't mind throwing myself under the bus to do so. This wasn't recovery nor freedom, yet is a place that I could have continued to live in for the rest of my life.

This weekend I got married. The eating disorder wasn't a part of my wedding. I didn't worry about what I was eating. I truly felt beautiful in my wedding dress. I didn't turn to behaviors when I got stressed and overwhelmed. I wasn't trying to please everyone. I took care of myself. I allowed myself to enjoy and embrace the attention. I let go of some control. I didn't feel the need to make things perfect. I felt loved and grateful for being able to share the time with those that mean the most to me. I was open and took in others compliments. I was happy. I was free. I was truly living.

After posting this I thought of a great song to go with it, so I decided to add it. :-)


 "I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything"
~Sugarland


2 comments:

  1. You were a beautiful bride!!!!

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  2. I'm so proud of you. Congratulations, Daniella.

    ReplyDelete