Friday, May 3, 2013

What I wouldn't give

I am not happy with the size of my body. I hate the amount of weight that I have gained. I cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I can't stand how most of my clothes fit. While I am grateful to be healthy, I don't look at my body in awe. I'm not there yet. Body love and acceptance don't exist in this house and they may not for a while.

With all that said, I wouldn't give anything to make my body smaller. I have way too much to lose. (no pun intended)

I've never really felt this way before. In my all or nothing world I've always felt that I needed to either love my body completely or constantly shower it with hatred and I had the second one down pact. This new middle ground is a little weird for me and I am not quite sure what to think.

I can't remember a time in the last 12 years when I haven't been actively been trying to "fix" my body. Whether restricting, purging, overexercising or even passively trying to lose weight and make it smaller. I was always trying to manipulate it in some way.

To be honest, I wish I could lose weight. I wish I was smaller. I wish the number on the scale was lower.  I hate that I am going to have to let my body do it's thing and accept whatever size it is. I hate that I will never be super thin. And even more so I hate the fact that we really don't have much (if any) control over our body size at all.

I'm not a happy camper. This isn't my favorite part of recovery. This sucks, actually.

Yet, I wouldn't trade the life that I am currently living to be smaller or weigh less. I wouldn't trade the joy and love that John and I feel for each other or the energy and passion to be able to live with purpose and do the things that I enjoy. Gaining weight has allowed me to gain my life back, something that is completely irreplaceable. The gratitude that I feel for the amazing things in my life, astronomically outweighs my desire to change my weight and body. And I mean that 100%.

Recovery is a journey. Just like healing my relationship with food, healing my relationship with my body is going to take time and it isn't always going to be pretty. Although I wish I could skip through this yucky stage, I am grateful for the process. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I wouldn't give anything to lose weight and actually mean it.

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