When I was first discharged from treatment I was full of so much gratitude. I was grounded. I was doing better in my recovery yet I was aware of where I had been. I knew how sick I was and how fragile life is. Although I had my slip ups, I was fully present to every aspect of my life. I didn't want to miss out on what was truly important. I had spent way too many years doing that. I was living with purpose and cherishing the things that mattered most. I was making time for myself and doing the things that made my heart full. I was embracing everything life had to offer.
Recently I have realized that I have moved away from this calm, peaceful place back to a place of worry, doubt, fear and hatred. A place where I am never enough and can't do anything right. A place where weight loss and nutritional information are taking up a lot of my time and my head is constantly spinning. This place leaves no room for love, passion and purpose. It's paved with isolation, rigidity and rules. It's lonely and all too familiar. It's no where I want to be.
I left treatment with unrealistic standards for myself. I wanted my recovery to be perfect. I wanted to proudly say I would never restrict/purge/overexercise or harm myself in any way ever again. I wanted to slam the door on that chapter of my life. And I did.
I am not the person I was when I entered treatment, nor am I the person I was when I proudly walked out of those doors. I am constantly changing, evolving, growing and progressing. I am exploring and testing the waters around me, trying to figure out how to survive in this world. This includes stumbling and occasionally falling, followed by rising and dusting myself off.
I am seeking the middle ground, a place where perfection doesn't exist. A place where disappointment and failure teach us yet don't condemn us. A place where I have the space to struggle, reach out for support and compassionately pick myself up along the way. A place where kindness, gratitude and love freely dwell. A place that isn't black or white but a lovely shade of gray. Where numbers are unimportant and food is nourishment.
This is the direction I am headed. This is the place I want to be. This is what freedom looks like. This is the life that I want to lead.