Lately I have been really hating my body; the way my thighs touch, the weight I have gained, the way my arms fit in shirts, the fact that my stomach isn't flat etc. The list really could go on forever. Every now and then I go to put on a pair of pants or a shirt that I haven't worn in a while and find that they no longer fit. I am then overcome with such hatred and sadness. I've found that I am either obsessively looking in the mirror, pinching and prodding at all of the "problem" areas or I am avoiding the mirror at all cost because I can't handle what I am going to see.
To be honest this week I have been longing for my old body back. The one that is many pounds lighter, more fit, athletic and just smaller. For the past few days I have been idealizing this image in my head. Thinking about how much better I felt about myself, how much happier I was, how people complimented and envied me, how I had more friends and was pretty popular, how I had more self esteem and confidence and just how my life was pretty good. Except there is a big problem with this....NONE of it is true.
Being smaller didn't bring me any of this. In fact, it brought me quite the opposite, a life full of hospital visits, self hatred, lying, medical problems, isolation, horrible depression and unhealthy relationships. I didn't feel better about myself, I hated myself so much that I didn't even believe that I deserved to live. There wasn't anything glorious about this body. The only thing that having a smaller body got me, was a smaller body.
I am a natrual optimist. I have this amazing ability to look past all of the negative and focus on the positive. While this is a great quality to have, it has also led to a lot of self deception on my part. I easily forget the months that I spent in treatment or how horrible my life was when I was at my lowest weight. This body that I am longing for comes with a huge cost. One that I am definitely not willing to pay or even consider.
It's going to take some time to get used to my current body size as well as the natural weight that my body settles on. I know this isn't going to happen over night. It's hard to let go of the desire to lose weight and shrink our bodies when we are being fed constant messages about what this will bring. I can't speak for everyone and this is just my experience but having a smaller body didn't ever bring me joy, love, happiness or fulfillment. Don't believe the lies that society or your eating disorder is telling you. Losing weight and manipulating your body won't change anything on the inside, except bring your further and further away from your authentic self. Lets be real...being smaller isn't as glorious as it may sound.