I am trying so hard to accept you. I want so badly to love you. I know you are amazing and that I wouldn't be here without you. I know that I have put you through hell and you have still been there for me every step of the way. I know that I don't thank you enough and bash you way too often. I am trying so hard to trust you. I believe that you know what you are doing, I really do. I just have external things being thrown at me every day that tell me not to listen to you, that you are too big and can't be trusted. I know those things aren't true. That you are the one that has my back. But please have patience with me dear body. Please know that I am trying. I am trying my hardest to nourish you. To feed you. I am trying to take care of you the best that I can. I am trying so hard to allow you to do your thing. To get to a comfortable weight without sabotaging it. I don't want to hate you. I really don't. I long to be comfortable and proud of you. To smile and compliment you every time I catch a glimpse of you in the mirror. I want us to be friends, to be in this together. I want to feel grounded in you and am working on that through yoga and meditation. I want our relationship to be different than it's been for the last 15 years.
I can't apologize enough for everything I have done to you and I hope that you can forgive me. Please know that I no longer blame you for everything that has happened to me. I think you are wonderful and your strength is amazing. I am working on accepting your size. I hope that one day I am able to truly recognize your beauty. To realize that each curve and perceived flaw is magnificent and beautiful. I am sick of waging war on you. Even more so I am sick of believing that hating you is the natural womanly thing to do. I'm angry at all of the years I have spent trying to manipulate you into this ideal that isn't actually attainable. I am sorry for that. Please know that it's caused me just as much pain, if not more, than it's caused you.
I know that we will get through these tough times. That my feelings towards you won't always be so shaky. Please continue to remind me of everything that you can do, so I can remember to thank you for these things as often as possible. So when I am doubting your size, I can replace those fears and doubts with gratitude and appreciation. Please continue to tell me what you need, even when it's not what I want to hear. Especially when it comes to hunger, both physical and emotional. I need your help and guidance. I promise to listen to the best of my ability.
I know that you deserve to be loved by me and cherished for everything that you have to offer and believe me when I say that we will get there. For now, please know that it's no longer me againist you and I am honored to call you home.