I have been meaning to write a post for a while now. I have played with ideas in my head and come up with many things relevant to my life yet I have lacked the follow through. It seems right now like I am no longer learning the lesssons of recovery but living them every day.
For those of you who don't know me in person or on facebook, I am pregnant. When I first found out this amazing blessing, I had tons of ideas of what pregnancy was going to look like for me. I went out and bought a journal and decided I was going to document everything along the way. I researched my options and decided that I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible. I planned nightly walks with my husband, along with prenatal yoga. I borrowed books from friends and planned to soak up as most knowledge as possible. I planned to continue living life exactly how I was.
I am here to say I haven't once opened my pregnancy journal. I have taken prescription medicine on a few occasions and have had an ER visit due to dehydration. Other than to get to and from work, I haven't even seen the outside and I haven't shaved in a month, much less had time for yoga. I have called in to work sick more days than I feel comfortable with and am late almost every day. Most of my "free time" is spent sleeping, as is my non-free time. I have also thrown up more than I thought was humanly possible.
Pregnancy, so far for me has been a lesson in completely giving up control, as well as what I thought it was supposed to be like for how it actually is. It's been a lesson in prioritzing and putting myself first (and the baby of course), even when it feels uncomfortable. It hasn't just taught me to slow down but has forced me to every single day. It's taught me to let go of unrealsitic expectations and well some times just expectations all together. It's taught me to be less judgemental, because really everyone is going through something. It's taught me kindness and compassion, not just for others, but for my myself. It's taught me the price of overcommitment and that doing your best sometimes means doing whatever it takes to just make it through the day. More than anything, it's taught me what is truly important in life.
Each day I fall deeper in love with the little baby growing inside of me, as well as with my husband. Every morning I sepnt a few minutes lovingly admiring my stomach with the biggest smile across my face. Every Wednesday John and I proudly read babycenter.com's update to see the new stages of growth happening inside me. I spend a lot of time gently rubbing my belly and truly admiring my body's ability to create something so amazing.
Pregnancy hasn't been anything like I imagined it would be. The only glow I have is a red face after time in the bathroom throwing up. Most days I don't even feel like myself or human. And most of my pregnancy ideas of gone completely out the window.
With all that said, I couldn't be happier and wouldn't want this any other way. Every day I become more grateful for this journey and know that all of my hard work in recovery has led me to this amazing time in my life.