Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Love > Fear

I've wanted to have a kid for as long as I remember, multiple actually. On the days that I struggled to get out of bed beause I was so depressed or lacking energy from not eating, I always thought about this desire. The dream of being a mother was by far the most helpful factor in my recovery. Knowing that I couldn't physically make it happen if I continued to be sick and even more so the fact that I would not even attempt to bring a child into the world when I was so mentally unstable.

Now that I am pregnant, I have made this dream a reality. Each day that passes and my little peanut grows, I am one day closer to the thing I have wanted most. It's a miracle really and every day I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing gift.Every time we have an ultrasound, hear/see the heartbeat or even when I feel our little peanut move I am overcome with a joy and love that is immeasurable. It's a feeling that I can't put into words or even describe. Along with all of the happiness comes the thing that I have been struggling with the most, "the fear of messing up". This doesn't have to do with failure or even really with doing things how I think I am "supposed" to, it is much deeper. The fear of some how harming this child, this tiny miracle that is completly dependent on me If I am truly honest with myself I am doing the best that I can. Yet this doesn't always feel like enough. This doesn't make this fear go away.

This post has nothing to do with my recovery or self care. My eating disorder is not an issue anymore. I believe in the importance of self care and I practice it every day. Getting pregnant has tested my strength as well as the all of the hard mental and emtional work I have done in the past two years and I believe that I have passed with flying colors. This fear isn't about perfectionism or even being the best, it comes from my love for my baby.

I've never been this sick in my life. From morning sickness (which really is all day sickness), to the worst post nasal drip I have ever had and now some bad cold or possibly the flu, I've been miserable. Although i have been assured that the baby is growing and doing great, all of this makes this fear even stronger. Am I eating enough? What if I am not keeping enough down? Am I giving me body the right nutriments?  Am I drinking enough liquids? Did I mess up by not getting the flu shot? What about medication, do I take the things deemed safe? What about my weight? Why can't I seem to gain weight? And the list could go on.

I've constantly been reassured that this fear is natrual. People have jokingly said "welcome to parenthood". And have even gone as far to tell me that this is exactly why I am going to be a good mother. While I appreciate the compliment and reassurance the fear remains.

I was just reminded of something I used to say to myself at the end of everyday. I used to always come home from work wishing that I could have done more. On days where we could not find matches for our patients, even after doing as much as we could, I always felt defeated, like somehow I should have been able to do something more. This haunted me for a while. Until a friend told me how at the end of every day she tells herself "I did the best that I could and that was more than enough." I told myself this every night until I finally believed it.

I am doing the best that I can every day. Making educated choices based on all of the information that I have in order to ensure that my baby continues to grow healthy and strong. If nothing else my love is stronger than anything else and that is more than enough.

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