Friday, September 19, 2014

Walls

I remember when I first started truly trying to recover, a little over three years ago. While I understood that doing it on my own wasn't working, I really struggled to let people in. In fact, this blog was one of the first places that I really began to speak my truth and let myself be vulnerable and seen.

I spent a very long time breaking down walls that I had spent years building up and wearing like armour. Although I loved and trusted the people that were trying to help me, I was scared; scared to let the deepest, darkest parts of me be seen.

Since Grace was born, I have been struggling. It looks a lot different now, but it's still been hard. I've found that I have constructed some new walls, with the rubbage from the past. While these walls feel safe and comforting, they are also destructive and isolating. They keep out the monsters but also the people in my life that love and care about me.

I have been feeling really stuck for the last month (maybe longer) and have been incredibly frustrated. I feel like no amount of support has inspired change or made me feel any differently. I've been confused, feeling like I have been working really hard but am going in circles. I've been angry that things aren't changing no matter what I do and I have even blamed others.

I have felt unheard and today I realized it's because of the walls. While protective and cosy, they have kept me from being open and honest. The outside of these walls is coated with a very defensive protective layer and the inside is coated with shame. Thick thick layers of shame.

Shame thrives off of secrecy and isolation and I have been feeding it. Giving it exactly what it needs to survive and grow. This in turn has continued to keep me stuck and miserable. And it sucks.

I am missing out on things that are really important to me. The things that I actually care about and matter. Instead have been stuck in my own head, obsessing and focusing on strengthening the walls and preparing for battle. Except no one is waging war.

Those that are trying to help me, aren't fighting, instead offering me some compassionate shelter to rest my weary head. The space to be open and vulnerable without judgement. The warmth and love that demolishes shame to pieces. The comfort to be authentic and show how I am truly feeling in any given moment.

I haven't exactly embraced this. At least not yet. But I am hoping to get there. Although I haven't made it easy, I am hoping and praying that people will keep trying to help me knock down these walls. Because I know it's possible.