Today I stepped on the scale at the cardiologists office and then I walked away. That was it. Not once during the rest of the appointment did I think about my weight.
Today I got dressed and looked in the mirror. I felt good. I thought I looked good. And that was that.
I can't deny that I have been struggling a lot in different areas of my life, unfortunately, the eating disorder being one of them. However, it has nothing to do with my body. I like my body. And my weight really just feels like another number with no emotion attached.
I am fat. The one thing I feared the most came true and it no longer seems earth shattering. I don't cringe every time I shower or spend hours scrutinizing every inch of myself in the mirror.
Some times when I think about all of this it feels so liberating and I am truly amazed. Other times it goes unnoticed. In fact if I am honest this is most of the time.
I remember spending a lot of time focusing on hating my body. I know that it wasn't long ago. But I am not invested in that any more.
One thing that I find really cool is the fact that I don't even notice other people's size any more. As hard as it is to admit, I used to do a lot of comparing and judging based on body size. But now I feel like I am looking through a new lens. A lens that looks past our cultures stereotypes and my old body prejudices.
Sure, I have days where I look in the mirror and think "Oh God". But it is usually because I have baby drool or spit up on my clothes or didn't notice that my daughter kindly shared her puffs or puréed veggies with me.
I don't look in the mirror and instantly feel love towards my appearance but I am totally cool with that. I want my daughter to know that she is a beautiful person, with no strings attached. No connection to her appearance or her body size.
I can't shelter her from all of societies crap but I finally feel like I can be the role model that I've always wanted to be regarding body stuff and that is what matters to me.