Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The here and the now

I have been kind of avoiding this blog lately. Honestly, the avoidance piece is pretty prevalent in a lot of parts of my life right now. But in honor of eating disorder awareness week, I decided to allow myself to be seen. My voice matters too.

I have been struggling, a lot. I think if I am honest with myself it's been a slow decline since my daughter was born about 10.5 months ago. Parenthood is hard, tack that on to my never ending medical issues and BAM in pops the eating disorder to save the day...

Except that is total BS. Even in my struggling state I am aware of that.

I am bad at reaching out for support and even worse at graciously accepting it. I know I have tons of resources in my corner but recently it hasn't been easy to call upon those. Shame is winning in so many ways but I am not sure I want that to continue. I am pretty sure if I did I would not be writing this post right now.

So yeah, what now?

I have finally come to terms with the fact that this has nothing to do with motivation. If so, looking at and thinking about my daughter would get me to eat and stop engaging in ED behaviors but well, that hasn't happened yet. So I am done beating myself up for that one. Struggling doesn't mean that I love my daughter or my husband less. It doesn't make me less of a mother or wife, just makes me someone who struggles with a mental illness.

This all really has nothing to do with my body size and weight gain. Sure I'd love to lose the pounds that I gained from pregnancy, but for the most part I think my body is pretty fantastic and my daughter LOVES it. There is nothing more comforting to her then snuggling close to my chest while hugging my belly to which she called home for 36 weeks.

So I will plead the stress card. And the new mom card. And the super traumatic pregnancy card. And the adjusting to this new life card.

Excuses? Sure I have tons every single day but I am starting to realize that I don't need to be 100% committed to this recovery thing every moment of every day. Or more so that just isn't realistic for me right now.

Tonight I feel brave enough to speak my truth, even though it isn't positive, uplifting and inspirational. Although writing a blog post isn't an earth shattering achievement, to me it feels like the first step to breaking down the walls that are keeping me stuck. To allowing myself to be seen, completely messy. And to inviting others in to help share the burden. I have always found vulnerability and authenticity awesome and totally feel honored when people let me see those fragile parts of themselves. So tonight I will do the same.

For those of you who still read my blog, thanks for the accepting space! There is something insanely therapeutic about writing for me, especially blogging and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read! :-)