Thursday, February 4, 2016

Hard Post

Today I want a different life. Not what you may think. Today as I walked the trash to the dumpster, I felt sad. Sadness has been very prevalent lately. I can't tell you the last time I had a day where I didn't cry. While walking, I felt the warmth of the sun shinning on my skin and saw the trees swaying in the wind. And I felt hopeful. Like there will eventually be a day where I live my life the way God intended it to be, not completely controlled by anorexia.

I am currently on the waiting list for residential treatment at Oliver Pyatt Center in Miami. Woof, got that off my chest. A few people close to me are aware of that, but many aren't. Yes, in the coming days/weeks I will be leaving my family to go into treatment for a few months. And this breaks my heart EVERY single day.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I have tried to do this on my own. I have tried to do this in an outpatient setting.I have tried to do this with the complete support of my husband. I have tried everything that you can think of over the last two years and have just continued to fall deeper into a hole.

For a while I believed that being a mom would be the cure for this. That if I truly loved my daughter enough, I would be able to recover from this eating disorder. And I have felt SO MUCH shame about this. And about John. I have the most loving and supportive husband, who is my number one fan. He stays true to his vows every single day. And yet I still struggle.

The part of my life that I want to change isn't them. It isn't external. It's this fucking eating disorder that has stolen my joy and so much of my life. And that is why I am going to do the hardest thing I will ever do and leave Grace and John for a little bit.

Just writing that last sentence has me crying uncontrollably. The idea of spending even just a day away from them, feels like the worst thing ever. John keeps reminding me to think about the big picture. He reminds me of the future, of the years that we will get to spend together. Every day he reminds me that this is the best decision for our family. That this decision makes me a great mom and wife.

And I believe him. I know deep down inside that this is what I need. Honestly, I know this is our only option.

Today, I ask for your prayers. Mostly, that this transition isn't too hard on Grace. Please know that we are doing everything we can in order to make this easier for her. She will get to talk to me twice a day on the phone and see me every weekend. She also is loving and thriving in preschool right now.

Please also pray for John, as he takes on the extra role of "mom" while I am gone and also holds down the fort by himself. Send him some extra hours of sleep and some caffeine!

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Jigsaw Puzzle

It's the third day of 2016 and I still struggle with an eating disorder. Ugh.

I've never really bought into the new year's resolution thing too much but I will admit that I am a little disappointed. I want to be recovered. Hell, I will even take a solid half recovery,  I am not picky. But I am still struggling, a lot.

I know, "just get over it", "come on, hasn't it been long enough already...move on", "just grow up already", "just eat your food, stop being so dramatic". I have no idea what other people actually think about my struggle, but these are the things that echo through my mind daily and are what I assume others think as well. These are the things that force me to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend like I have this all figured out.  

Restricting food is just SO easy for me. I don't even have to think about it at all. After all of these years, it comes naturally to me. Recovery still doesn't. Even after years of treatment and support, it still feels wrong and this is exactly why it is so hard to stay motivated to do it.

I am starting to view recovery as a big jigsaw puzzle. Over the last few years I have gathered lots of pieces but they are still in a big mess on my table. Two of the sides are complete, but without the other two, the foundation still isn't completely clear and it's hard to focus on the middle section. Occasionally people help themselves to the puzzle. While this has led to quicker progress, sometimes the pieces don't fit together and it requires trying a different piece. There are some areas that are complete and these pieces hold together no matter what comes their way.

I keep longing for the satisfaction I am going to feel when that last puzzle piece falls into place. Those that know me in real life, know that jigsaw puzzles never last long in my house. Sometimes I forgo sleep just to get it done and feel that sense of accomplishment.

But maybe this is like the "hardest jigsaw puzzle in the world". It can't be rushed and isn't about the final product. It's about marvelling in each piece that fits and acknowledging that some won't fit no matter how many times you try. It's realizing that some pieces might get knocked off the table along the way and some might end up in the mouth of a teething toddler. Maybe it's about inviting others to help, but realizing they they can't do it all either.

Can I be honest and I say I hate everything about this? And then I smile. Because I think about all of the times I think about quitting while I am working on a puzzle. I take a break and even consider just putting it all back in the box but I never do. I guess I just better get used to this puzzle being spread all over our table, because it isn't going anywhere any time soon.