Sunday, January 3, 2016

Jigsaw Puzzle

It's the third day of 2016 and I still struggle with an eating disorder. Ugh.

I've never really bought into the new year's resolution thing too much but I will admit that I am a little disappointed. I want to be recovered. Hell, I will even take a solid half recovery,  I am not picky. But I am still struggling, a lot.

I know, "just get over it", "come on, hasn't it been long enough already...move on", "just grow up already", "just eat your food, stop being so dramatic". I have no idea what other people actually think about my struggle, but these are the things that echo through my mind daily and are what I assume others think as well. These are the things that force me to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend like I have this all figured out.  

Restricting food is just SO easy for me. I don't even have to think about it at all. After all of these years, it comes naturally to me. Recovery still doesn't. Even after years of treatment and support, it still feels wrong and this is exactly why it is so hard to stay motivated to do it.

I am starting to view recovery as a big jigsaw puzzle. Over the last few years I have gathered lots of pieces but they are still in a big mess on my table. Two of the sides are complete, but without the other two, the foundation still isn't completely clear and it's hard to focus on the middle section. Occasionally people help themselves to the puzzle. While this has led to quicker progress, sometimes the pieces don't fit together and it requires trying a different piece. There are some areas that are complete and these pieces hold together no matter what comes their way.

I keep longing for the satisfaction I am going to feel when that last puzzle piece falls into place. Those that know me in real life, know that jigsaw puzzles never last long in my house. Sometimes I forgo sleep just to get it done and feel that sense of accomplishment.

But maybe this is like the "hardest jigsaw puzzle in the world". It can't be rushed and isn't about the final product. It's about marvelling in each piece that fits and acknowledging that some won't fit no matter how many times you try. It's realizing that some pieces might get knocked off the table along the way and some might end up in the mouth of a teething toddler. Maybe it's about inviting others to help, but realizing they they can't do it all either.

Can I be honest and I say I hate everything about this? And then I smile. Because I think about all of the times I think about quitting while I am working on a puzzle. I take a break and even consider just putting it all back in the box but I never do. I guess I just better get used to this puzzle being spread all over our table, because it isn't going anywhere any time soon.