Today I want a different life. Not what you may think. Today as I walked the trash to the dumpster, I felt sad. Sadness has been very prevalent lately. I can't tell you the last time I had a day where I didn't cry. While walking, I felt the warmth of the sun shinning on my skin and saw the trees swaying in the wind. And I felt hopeful. Like there will eventually be a day where I live my life the way God intended it to be, not completely controlled by anorexia.
I am currently on the waiting list for residential treatment at Oliver Pyatt Center in Miami. Woof, got that off my chest. A few people close to me are aware of that, but many aren't. Yes, in the coming days/weeks I will be leaving my family to go into treatment for a few months. And this breaks my heart EVERY single day.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I have tried to do this on my own. I have tried to do this in an outpatient setting.I have tried to do this with the complete support of my husband. I have tried everything that you can think of over the last two years and have just continued to fall deeper into a hole.
For a while I believed that being a mom would be the cure for this. That if I truly loved my daughter enough, I would be able to recover from this eating disorder. And I have felt SO MUCH shame about this. And about John. I have the most loving and supportive husband, who is my number one fan. He stays true to his vows every single day. And yet I still struggle.
The part of my life that I want to change isn't them. It isn't external. It's this fucking eating disorder that has stolen my joy and so much of my life. And that is why I am going to do the hardest thing I will ever do and leave Grace and John for a little bit.
Just writing that last sentence has me crying uncontrollably. The idea of spending even just a day away from them, feels like the worst thing ever. John keeps reminding me to think about the big picture. He reminds me of the future, of the years that we will get to spend together. Every day he reminds me that this is the best decision for our family. That this decision makes me a great mom and wife.
And I believe him. I know deep down inside that this is what I need. Honestly, I know this is our only option.
Today, I ask for your prayers. Mostly, that this transition isn't too hard on Grace. Please know that we are doing everything we can in order to make this easier for her. She will get to talk to me twice a day on the phone and see me every weekend. She also is loving and thriving in preschool right now.
Please also pray for John, as he takes on the extra role of "mom" while I am gone and also holds down the fort by himself. Send him some extra hours of sleep and some caffeine!